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Question

I need some advice. I have been on dates recently with two women--with Alice 2 times and with Jane 3 times. They are both very nice but I don't think that either will work out for me.My options: let it be and if they contact me, gently tell them "no." Or should I contact each of them in a week or so by phone or email and tell them it isn't going to work out.

If there are other options, please let me know. I want to act in as unhurtful and ethical way as possible.
John in Northampton, Ma


Answer

Hi John,
To me a lot depends on the “relationship” you had with each woman and how you think they feel. You are in the dating and exploring stage, and hopefully your dates understand that. As a woman, if I liked you, nothing would feel good, but I would prefer to have an e-mail or call before I called you. E-mail versus calling is tricky. An e-mail doesn’t put the other person on the spot and at this early stage, should be fine. I would prefer the e-mail so I wouldn’t have to say anything back to you but both are acceptable. Being upfront with people, though brief and with no explanations and no reasons given, is the best approach, and your straightforwardness will be a great gift.
(Of course, if the dates were very, very casual, and if you think they don’t care one way or the other and that they are also exploring possibilities, it doesn’t matter as much.) If in doubt, err on the side of honesty and kindness.
Remember while ending a few casual dates on email may be the best choice so the person doesn’t have to think of something to say on the phone, breaking up with someone on email that you have been steadily seeing is never appropriate.
Worst of all: breaking up on a post-it: Remember Sex and the City?

Take Care,

Lanie

Question

Hi,
I'm just beginning to date after a long hiatus. I was with a partner who knew all my "quirks" and now that I'm on the market again, I'm a bit daunted at the idea of putting myself out there anew. I have food allergies that cause skin problems if I'm not careful and so I'm uncomfortable about dining out with strangers. How can I enjoy eating socially without first painting myself as some kind of complicated, demanding nerotic?
Mary in Lenox, Ma


Answer

Hi Mary,
We are all complicated but you don't want or need to lay too much information on your new dates. Honesty doesn't mean telling everything about you at once. Harry loved Sally's high maintenance stuff but that's because they were really good friends first. Otherwise it isn't very attractive. Salad dressing on the side is adorable if you are Meg Ryan or when someone knows you and loves all your quirks.

So my advice is to simply order things you can eat or pick a place you are comfortable with. If you need to mention the allergies for any reason, do it quickly with a laugh and move to a different topic. Often, it is how you say things as much as what you say--still, there is no need for anyone to know your health stuff up front.

PS I’ve had clients tell matches about their Crohn’s Disease and other illnesses on first dates because they want to be honest. But since it isn’t catching, it is too much info too soon. Would Cary Grant tell Audrey Hepburn about his Crone’s Disease?

Well, I guess he could have gotten away with anything.

Question

I really like "Tim" and haven't heard from him in two weeks now. I'm worried that he's another guy who I like who doesn't like me. Should I call him and let him know I'm interested or would that be too forward? Should I wait for him to call me? I'm very attracted to him and thought that we had a lot in common. I could easily love "Tim" and feel worried that I could be possibly lettting another love slip out of my life. I am worried about making the wrong move after so much bad luck and I am soooo ready to meet someone special and get engaged by the end of the year. I'm hoping the year ends better than it started.
Joanie in Springfield, Ma


Answer

Hi Joanie,
Please, you must not come from a desperate place. Even I can pick up on it. Remember what you have to offer and don't get fixated on another's opinion of you. If there is something fun you can do with "Tim," sure, it is okay to give him a call. Or maybe you need him to help you with something&ellipse;

But the important thing is your attitude and confidence. You will be fine even if he isn't interested in you. Go rent a movie like Mona Lisa Smile and get in touch with your feminine power.

Nothing is more a turn-off than a sense of desperation, and having an agenda for getting engaged or married by a certain time is not healthy and will backfire. Love doesn't fit into a time - table.

Go about your life with confidence, believe that it will happen when the time is ripe....but make sure you are involved in activities you enjoy and have friends that are fun to be with. And that will make you more attractive to others.
Take Care,

Lanie

I met someone wonderful through your fine service. Lanie's moral support and encouragement helped me during the dating process. I have been having a wonderful time since I've met him. Thank you, Lanie!
Cindy, Springfield Ma
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Sam, Holyoke Ma
I moved to the Berkshires two years ago from a large city when my marriage ended. I'm in my 40's and now a single mom. I was attracted to the country lifestyle and thought it would be a great place to raise children. What I didn't realize is how hard it would be to connect with single men! The Berkshires are filled with talented, beautiful women, who far outnumber eligible single men. And because people are fairly isolated here, its difficult to meet other singles. A friend introduced me to Mass Match and really, it changed my life! They take a personal approach and only match people when they really think it would be appropriate for them to meet. Lanie is very wise about the dating scene, and able to coach her clients well. I've met so many great guys through Mass Match. I can't recommend it enough and have sent many of my friends to them for help. The cost of their services is so reasonable. Mass Match really cares, and many of the men I have met have become friends if we decided not to date further. I feel like I have a family here now. The best part about Mass Match is that you can always all or email her, if you want to talk about the dating process or ask for advice! It's a lot better than doing it yourself on the internet dating circuit!
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